I may be healed...

*WARNING* this is a self reflection post

(I always feel the need to give people a heads up when they're about to witness a little of my crazy girl side. You know, the emotional crazy that comes with having matching cromosomes.)

So it occured to me the other day that I might finally be healed. I may no longer be broken. At least with regards to romantic relationships.

You see, I dated this guy for most of my junior and senior year of college and after graduation. He was still an architecture major and so were all my friends, so they all had one more year after I graduated. (The perks of changing majors) About six months after I had graduated and moved to DC and we had been doing the long distance thing he told me he would rather date one of my college roommates. It was at this moment that I became broken.

It wasn't because I had thought that this was it, he was the one. Because I had. But that isn't what broke me. I always have a contingency plan. I have contingency plans for contingency plans.

It was that I had poured my heart and soul into the relationship only to have it all handed back to me in pieces and told that yet again, I was second best. If she hadn't been interested, he and I would have stayed happily together and I would never have known. She was interested. She wanted the happiness I had. And I was thrown to the curb.

You see, I've been second best my entire life. Second best in everything I've done. Even second best in my parents' eyes. (And don't tell me parents don't have favorites, that's a lie, they do.) Second best in school. Second best in sports. Everything. And here I was, listening to someone I loved very much, tell me that yet again, I was second best. Yet again. This was the one thing I didn't have a contingency plan for. And it broke me. Into pieces. I had poured my heart and soul into this one. Given it my very best. And it wasn't good enough. It is always not good enough.

That was three years and a lifetime ago. I've long been over that one. But somewhere, subconciously I decided I wasn't going to put forth that effort. I wasn't going to put myself out there like that. And so, in the relationships I've had since then, I've been selfish. (Relationships as in two, I don't want to sound like a hussy here!) I'll admit it, totally selfish. I did nothing for these guys. I liked them on some level, don't get me wrong. And I was a good girlfriend and we had fun. But I never did anything for them. In fact, if they asked me to do something for them, I would blow them off. Spontaneously doing something for them was out of the question.

Let me just interject that the people who knew me best knew this wasn't me. This was a self preservation tactic.

Well, fast forward to this weekend. My bf was headed on a trip with some hunting buddies. I made sure to make time in my schedule last week to make a batch of his favorite cookies for him to take on the road. Totally just did it, without even thinking about it. Then, knowing he was going to get back around dinner time, I made sure to have an awesome pot roast with potatoes in the crock pot that would be ready right when he walked in the door. I even asked him to let me know when he dropped off some guys that rode with him so I could pop biscuits in the oven and have them ready the moment he walked in the door. And then I got dressed, straightened my hair, and put on makeup!

It was right as I finished my makeup and looked in the mirror that I realized, holy shit, what am I doing! I must be fixed! Maybe I'm healed. I might not be broken any more!

It was astonishing to me.

And a praise Jesus moment.

You see, I had prayed many times over the course of the last three years that God wouldn't put a wonderful guy in my life until I wasn't broken any more. Until I had healed. Until I was ready to pour my heart and soul into building a relationship. I've been terrified that I would screw this one up and it would be my own fault because I'm still a head case. But, maybe I'm not. God's timing is perfect. He has a plan. I'm not going to say this is the one. But I am going to say this is the first one that could be. The first one in three years.

I've always joked that if God has a man out there for me, I haven't met him yet. And for the first time, I feel like I need to stop joking.